We want to help our children become better integrated so they can use their whole brain in a coordinated way. For example, we want them to be horizontally integrated, so that their left-brain logic can work well with their right-brain emotion. We also want them to be vertically integrated, so that the physically higher parts of their brain, which let them thoughtfully consider their actions, work well with the lower parts, which are more concerned with instinct, gut reactions, and survival. In the last chapter, we explored the first aspect of mindsight: understanding your own mind. Now, let’s talk about the other aspect: understanding other people’s minds, or, simply, empathy. Empathy involves reading nonverbal cues to recognize how others are feeling, and seeing other people’s perspectives. Empathy also improves your child’s ability to communicate effectively and compromise, all of which helps her to connect with others.

Downstairs-brain and right-brain takeovers are usually triggered by something in the present—but, sometimes, your child may have a strong and unexpected reaction to something because of something in the past. For example, if your child normally loves swimming, but she’s refusing to take swimming lessons, it’s possible that a past experience is haunting your child and making her act irrationally without her realizing why. The first two regions of the brain we’ll talk about are the left and right hemispheres—or, as they’re commonly referred to, the left brain and right brain. Emphasize how the situation was resolved, which reassures your child that there’s a solution if the situation were to come up again. When your child throws a tantrum or refuses to share a toy with her brother, your challenge, as a parent, is not only to manage the conflict, but also—ideally—to teach your child a valuable life lesson. You may try reasoning with her and explaining why it’s important to share, but your logic doesn’t get through to her. It may feel like the best you can do is to find a way to end the argument. However, with some basic understanding of your child’s developing brain, you can approach challenging situations with the tools to turn them into teachable moments.The key to thriving is to help these parts work well together-to integrate them. Integration takes the distinct parts of your brain and helps them work together as a whole. It's similar to what happens in the body, which has different organs to perform different jobs: the lungs breathe air, the heart pumps blood, the stomach digests food. For the body to be healthy, these organs all need to be integrated. In other words, they each need to do their individual job while also working together as a whole. Integration is simply that: linking different elements together to make a well-functioning whole. Just as with the healthy functioning of the body, your brain can't perform at its best unless its different parts work together in a coordinated and balanced way. That's what integration does: it coordinates and balances the separate regions of the brain that it links together. It's easy to see when our kids aren't integrated-they become overwhelmed by their emotions, confused and chaotic. They can't respond calmly and capably to the situation at hand. Tantrums, meltdowns, aggression, and most of the other challenging experiences of parenting-and life-are a result of a loss of integration, also known as dis-integration. Most of us don't think about the fact that our brain has many different parts with different jobs. For example, you have a left side of the brain that helps you think logically and organize thoughts into sentences, and a right side that helps you experience emotions and read nonverbal cues. You also have a "reptile brain" that allows you to act instinctually and make split-second survival decisions, and a "mammal brain" that leads you toward connection and relationships. One part of your brain is devoted to dealing with memory; another to making moral and ethical decisions. It's almost as if your brain has multiple personalities-some rational, some irrational; some reflective, some reactive. No wonder we can seem like different people at different times! Don’t force your child to retell the story if she’s not ready or not in the mood. Children often find it easier to talk while doing some other activity, such as playing a game or driving in the car. If your child still resists talking, encourage her to write about the memory, draw a picture of it, or talk to someone else about it.

From sibling arguments to temper tantrums, parents constantly have to manage conflict. Amidst the chaos, parents sometimes feel like the best they can do is to survive these challenges and restore peace. However, moments of conflict are the most pivotal opportunities to promote your child’s psychological development. With some basic understanding of your child’s developing brain, you can approach challenging situations with the tools to turn them into teachable moments. Name It to Tame It: Corral raging right-brain behavior through left-brain storytelling, appealing to the left brain's affinity for words and reasoning to calm emotional storms and bodily tension.Increased self-awareness and emotional self-control in your child, which makes parenting easier overall In addition to horizontal integration between your child’s left and right brains, it’s important to facilitate vertical integration between the lower and upper regions of the brain—we’ll call them the downstairs and upstairs brains.